How I’ve Managed Bipolar Disorder During a Global Pandemic
Let me start by saying that this blog post doesn’t just apply to people who struggle with bipolar disorder. If you are experiencing any sort of emotional distress during this pandemic, these insights will be helpful.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with bipolar disorder, Mayo Clinic defines it as “a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression). When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities. When your mood shifts to mania or hypomania (less extreme than mania), you may feel euphoric, full of energy or unusually irritable. These mood swings can affect sleep, energy, activity, judgment, behavior and the ability to think clearly.”
I’ve been struggling with the highs and lows of bipolar disorder ever since I was a young boy. I was only eight years old when I received my diagnosis, and it most certainly made childhood difficult. However, an unconditionally supportive family and four years away at boarding school provided me the tools to transform my life. You can read more about the specifics of my story in the ‘Mental Health Journey’ section of the website, but the purpose of this post, as the title suggests, is to share my experiences during the COVID-19 pandemic, which has posed unforeseen challenges as it relates to managing my disorder.
Thanks to a number of healthy lifestyle habits and self-care methods I’ve put in place, along with the mood stabilizer I take daily, my emotional resilience has improved drastically over the years. I find my mood swings aren’t the rollercoaster they used to be, and I’m in a state of calm much more often. With that said, my disorder isn’t just gone. It is always there, waiting to disrupt my peace and productivity. My lifelong battle has been learning to control it, and not letting it make me a prisoner in my own mind. I’d say I’ve been pretty successful with those efforts up to this point, but six months (and counting) in isolation has presented a new set of challenges that I know can either make me or break me. The most comforting part about all of this is that it’s entirely up to me. Let me explain.
When I left Quinnipiac University for spring break back in early March, I had no idea it was goodbye. I was expecting an unbelievably exciting two months of partying and celebrating upon return. It would not only be the culmination of my four years of hard work in the School of Communications and beyond, but a milestone within my mental health journey. Only eight years earlier, during one of my many depressive episodes in eighth grade, I told my parents I wanted to drop out of high school at sixteen and never go to college. I felt my mind wasn’t strong enough and that I would never achieve anything while living with bipolar disorder. Funny how things change, huh? I made the dean's list many times and won multiple awards for my writing, radio shows and podcasts while at Quinnipiac, so you can see the disappointment in not being able to enjoy the fruits of my labor with my fraternity brothers and friends at school, especially when it was so close to the end.
While these types of feelings, which I know many others had and still have, are one hundred percent valid and justifiable, I immediately accepted the situation and understood what was truly important. I knew I was lucky to be safe from the virus, and to spend extra time at home with a family I love more than anything. However, the mind is a tricky thing, and just because you might have a mature perspective about a particular situation doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easy to sit with the emotions that come with it, especially when your mind’s natural predisposition is fragile because of a mental illness.
One thing that has always kept me afloat when it comes to battling bipolar depression and severe mood swings is having healthy social communities in place. At boarding school, I had so many like-minded individuals who understood what it was like to struggle with stress, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and more. I had my basketball team, the school newspaper, amazing faculty mentors and other clubs that really helped me grow into the person I am today. Then, at Quinnipiac, I joined a fraternity that I am forever grateful for finding. It might surprise you to hear that FIJI (Phi Gamma Delta) at Quinnipiac would have so many guys, who were athletes back in high school and loved sports, were compassionate and open when it came to mental health struggles. I’m sure part of it had to do with me setting that tone and promoting my podcast and my journey, but still, not all fraternities will provide you with that proper emotional support, and mine did. I had student media organizations, about fifty kids to rely on playing pickup basketball at the rec center five days a week, and housemates who are some of the most genuine and emotionally intelligent people I have ever met. These communities lifted me up so many times when I was down, and for the last six months, they have been non-existent.
Since early March, I’ve left my house to go shopping for groceries, play golf, and see my friends at the occasional pool distancing hangout. That’s it. It has forced me into solitude I have never experienced and I had to make the proper adjustments so that I don’t fall into a bout of depression and live a life that’s bitter. It is really easy to get pissed at the world right now, to let the fear of uncertainty paralyze me from progress, and to just give up. In the first two months of quarantine, that’s what happened.
While finishing my online classes in March and April, I was living a miserable existence. Yes, I ate healthy and yes I exercised enough to stay in shape, which are crucial habits for mental wellness, but I just felt off. I missed all of my social communities, the comradery of my fraternity and daily basketball games. I was often bitter towards my family, hiding in my room all day, while just getting the bare minimum done to pass my classes. The negative self-talk was extreme, and video games and smoking an unhealthy amount of weed were my only consistent activities. Then, one day in May, I snapped at my brother after NBA 2K20 pissed me the f*** off. Was it about 2K? Absolutely not. This was the outlet in which all my built up stress of over two months would be taken out on (although 2K really does make no goddamn sense sometimes). I started crying and screaming in frustration, ran into my car and just drove. I knew I wasn’t well, because I knew I was capable of so much more and that I was sabotaging my daily life with misery and laziness. I didn’t feel the desire to make something out of all this isolation, but I knew deep down that this pandemic could be an opportunity to reach new levels of personal growth. If there’s one thing my mental health journey has taught me, it’s that THE BRAIN IS SO FREAKING POWERFUL. Yes, I needed to emphasize that in all caps, because that is what I hope you take away from this post.
So, the next day, after hours of driving and processing all of my emotions, I decided to make a change. One thing that had me feeling extremely bitter was this fear of pursuing my dreams. You might say, “What are you talking about? You have a Rangers podcast and a mental health podcast? Aren’t those your dreams.” I’d say you are right, but also wrong, because my dreams go beyond just my podcasts. I’ve had a television show and memoir of my mental health journey percolating inside of my head for so long. For some reason, I was scared to communicate those goals and act upon them. I didn’t give myself the allowance to go for it, and I think the root of all of that was an intense fear of failure. My brother showed me a podcast that would prove to be life-changing for me, and I’m grateful to have the support from him and my family, because the next day, I just said f*** it.
I said to my family, “I’m going to write this tv show. You might think I’m getting manic, but I’m not. This has been in my head for so long, and my screenwriting class at Quinnipiac gave me the skills. You might see me locked away working in the den for hours, which is a sharp contrast to laying under my covers and playing video games all day, but this is going to make me happy. Whether or not it ever gets made, this project is speaking to my soul. School is over, there are no sports for me to watch, and I’m going to be stuck in the house for the foreseeable future. I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself, and I know I can do better if I just put my mind to it.”
Well, within the next month, I had a formal outline of four television seasons for a show based on my real experiences at boarding school. I had written four one-hour episodes, totaling almost 250 pages, and I had never felt more fulfilled with any creative project. I guess there are some perks to having bipolar disorder, huh? Although I’ve taken some time off from it to make sure I still produce podcasts, work and keep my eye on other professional goals, the rest of the show is waiting for me to write it, and I feel like I am flying when I do.
It wasn’t just the writing that made me grow as an individual, but a two-month span of forming new habits. It was the first time in my life I didn’t watch television, and chose to read instead. Books that were related to neuroscience, self-help and the mind were speaking to me at the time, and I read over 1,000 pages of them, which is more than I probably ever read in my life up until that point. The most transformative habit I took up while isolated was meditation. I started every single day with it for the months of May, June and July, while making sure to read and exercise as well. That morning routine would spark a determination and focus that made achieving my writing and podcasting goals so much easier. Somehow, without seeing any friends, having no social communities, and no sports to watch, there had never been a more calm, peaceful and happier me.
Since my favorite sports returned in late July, I have definitely taken my foot off the gas. I honestly got burnt out and needed some time off from my goals. That was another lesson I learned. It’s amazing to be motivated, but I can’t conquer everything at once. My goal for the past few months has been to create a stable, more consistent routine, that allows for productivity each and every day, without needing weeks off because I overworked myself. I’m getting better and better at that now too.
This pandemic has taught me a lot about myself, and for someone who is inherently introspective and living a psychologically rich life, it feels like I’m a hundred years old in terms of my emotional intelligence, and yet I’m still learning. That is why I wanted to share this with all of you. I’m sure so many of you are fighting through your own internal battles right now, and I just hope my insights can be of value because so many of us are limiting ourselves from reaching our full potential and it’s causing us an unbearable amount of stress.
This pandemic is a pivotal moment in so many of our lives, simply because we can either grow into better versions of ourselves that we truly love, or we can shrink our existence and ignore the silver linings that are presenting themselves.
As David Goggins says, “Use isolation to become a savage.”
Even with all of the self-care methods, lifestyle habits and goals I have in place, I’ve had truly miserable days during this pandemic. But a day is just one small battle in the war within the mind. Continue to push your limits, get creative in isolation, pursue goals, take care of yourself mentally and physically, and I promise you, you will love yourself more than you ever have when this pandemic subsides. Don’t wait for the life you think you need to start living. Live now, and find out what you are capable of.